for all_at_sea : if I had a heart

[whisted]

Jack Simpson is enjoying this.

That, more than anything, is what has Horatio Hornblower feeling so painfully trapped. There had been a terrible sinking in his gut when his own name had been called during the reaping. There had been a heavy weight that lingered even after his mother's hand was dragged from his shoulder and his father's voice had vanished from his ears. For all that had ripped something from him, the odd inevitable hadn't been so terrible. A piece of him, even now, thinks he could manage to have properly accepted it.

But then, through the haze, had come the harrowing sound of Simpson's name. That had been far too much far too fast. That had been the worst sort of death warrant; the immediate shifting of hope toward dying at the hands of anyone but his District's other tribute.

None of the rest of it had helped, of course. Being dragged far from home was excruciating. Being poked and prodded and needled and explained to, by tense displeased voices, that he somehow didn't even stand and wear his clothes correctly was torturous. Even the odd comfort of being handed into the care of his mentor was undercut by the horrific fact of Simpson standing nearly constantly beside him, practically preening with a nauseating sort of pride.

In defense of the prep team, of course, Horatio apparently doesn't know how to stand properly. It doesn't matter that his fingers grip tight to the chariot, or that all he properly has to do in the Tribute Parade is actually stand still with the faintest bit of a smile. It's just a blessing, Pellew is certainly sighing to himself, that the Capitol seems to find a tribute managing to fall off the back of a chariot faintly endearing.

(Simpson will make his life hell for it later. Thankfully, Horatio doesn't anticipate having that much more life to have to suffer through.)

It will be better, he tells himself, when they can be separated in the Training Center. It will almost be enjoyable, perhaps, to have these few days of being able to make some small amount of space for himself before Jack Simpson thoroughly enjoys killing him.

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[all_at_sea]

He knows he's done wrong. He can feel it in the air, in the way Horatio breathes and doesn't reply. He knows he has stupidly let his tongue run away with him. He should know better.

Even if they feel the same way, they can't say it. He shouldn't have said it. But it is too late to pull the words back now, swallow them like the poison they are.

Yet no Peacekeepers burst in. There's no alarms.

The uncomfortable silence is far worse.

"I'm sorry," James says. Part of him tells him he should go, run away. But he can't and he doesn't.

Clearly Horatio is a lot brighter than him in so many ways.

[whisted]

"It's..."

It isn't fine. It also isn't the end of the world.

"...just--"

His fingers shift carefully, pawing to find the spot on James's chest where he can best feel the taller Tribute's heartbeat. That helps. That pushes away the lingering nerves a little better.

"Tell me... the plan again?"

They just need to refocus. They just need to find the quiet safety they'd had a moment ago.

[all_at_sea]

James nods, letting Horatio's fingers clutch at his shirt. It seems to help Horatio find an even keel again, although for the moment James still feels he's in stormy seas. But maybe it will help. To go over it.

"When we arrive in the arena, you bolt. Get away from open ground as fast as you can and into cover. Put all those tracking and hunting skills to good use. I'll get rid of Cutler and Simpson, if I can. If Simpson follows you, you stay hidden. I'll find him."

He breathes then. It does feel better to go over, to discuss it. He feels more sure of himself, of them. He feels like he hasn't let Horatio down.

"And hopefully, I'll be able to tell the difference between your bird call and real birdsong. Then we'll set up camp. We'll be okay, once we're together. Find somewhere out of the way, somewhere we won't be bothered."

And then... well then they keep out of everyone's way. They don't have to kill people, and they can avoid the other Tributes. He's sure of that.

[whisted]

This still helps. This still feels like something's right in the universe.

The soft patter of James's heart under his fingers helps as well. This is a human being holding him. This is a Career, yes, but one who doesn't want to simply crush everyone else under his heel. This is James, the boy who smiled crookedly when he said he'd like to dance with Horatio again.

Slowly, quietly, Horatio folds himself back into place under the taller boy's chin.

"...thank you."

For the plan. For the uncomfortable moment of truth. For every moment since they'd met.

"Somewhere-- out of the way will work."

[all_at_sea]

"I was hoping we might find somewhere up a slope, with some tree cover." James said gently, once Horatio has settled again. "That way the canopy will disperse the smoke if we cook. And there will be shelter from the rain. There might be a fresh stream or a pool nearby and we can get water. It could be very nice."

He knows that it's not likely to be that easy. But it is nice to put together a wish list for their perfect campsite, somewhere that can be a little haven. At least compared to everything else.

"What do you think? Maybe some sort of springy moss? Would that work for beds?"

[whisted]

"The ground will work, you know."

Still, there's something sweetly protective about the little site James is describing. There's an obvious desire to smooth over the uncomfortable prickling between them; to find their rhythm again.

"Be nice to find soft ground, though." Horatio's lips twist briefly to the side, something soft like a sigh on his lips. "Be nicer if we could just sleep like this."

It wouldn't be practical, of course. James would be completely trapped under Horatio if he fell asleep. It wouldn't keep either of them remotely safe.

But it would be nice.

[all_at_sea]

James considers this. The ground might do, if it's soft and not cold or damp. But Horatio has a point, this is much nicer.

He murmurs a soft agreement, squirming slightly so they are pressed closer still, his fingers tenderly stroking.

"We could. Sleep like this here." Probably not in the arena but there's nothing wrong in taking a nap here.

[whisted]

That gets the faintest bit of a huffed laugh. That also gets Horatio's fingers shifting from James's chest to instead curl comfortably at the back of the older boy's neck instead, hesitant and slightly hopeful.

"You can, if you like."

Just for a few minutes. Just for a few heartbeats. Just long enough for this warm moment to be pulled into both their bones.

[all_at_sea]

The fingers at the nape of his neck are truly, wonderfully, relaxing. And he is exhausted; the training and the interviews and the surviving-the-Games lectures from Barbara are eating into the reserves of energy he had.

And here is safe, and warm, and with Horatio. Id there anything more he could want than that?

"What about you?" James murmurs, his own fingers sleepily stroking over Horatio's calf, up towards his knee. "Simpson can listen to us nap if he likes."

As long as he doesn't try to join in.

[whisted]

"I'm all right."

This is a better truth to fumble through. This will be good for James to know--but speak to the pieces of himself that need sharing.

"I don't... I don't really sleep much."

But this is restful. Having James holding him warm and snug, having his own fingers curled protectively over the nape of the taller boy's neck; it's better than lying fretfully awake on his quiet pallet.

"You ought to, though."

[all_at_sea]

James frowns, despite the call of sleep. It would be nice to nap, but Horatio's words do make him worry. There's not going to be much time for sleep once everything starts, there's certainly not going to be much restful sleep. Horatio should get what he can while he can.

But there seems to be something more to his words, something yet unsaid.

"Simpson?" He asks, not sure exactly what the cause is, and not willing to just shrug it off and close his own eyes. That's not fair, it's not what you do to your partner. Not when you're both in the same mess.

[whisted]

Of course James knows. Of course James understands, in a quiet instinctive way. Of course James wants, despite the easy with which Horatio himself tamps everything down, to protect him before they're even in the arena.

His fingers shift fretfully, smoothing against the soft hair and warm skin at the back of the taller boy's neck.

"Not always. Not usually, here."

[all_at_sea]

James takes that in, quietly accepting, his fingers still gently holding Horatio close to him. He wants to keep him safe, that is true. There's no one else that can help them as much as they can help each other.

"What can I do to help?"

Horatio will tell him what is bothering him, if he wants to. James can only be there, offer his help and a friendly ear, and do whatever is in his power to make Horatio relax, to make sure he is in the best state he can be to go into the arena.

[whisted]

"Don't goad him. Please."

It's too vulnerable. It's not what James needs to hear right now.

It isn't much better when he spins toward the other thing keeping him awake, of course. "And..."

How does he explain that being here, in the comparative safety of these apartments, is like a punch to the gut in its own right?

"...the apartments are-- the same, aren't they? This is where the Tributes from District 11... always stay, isn't it?"

[all_at_sea]

"I won't."

It's an easy promise to make. He shouldn't be provoking Simpson anyway- they have enough on their plate without making more work for themselves. It's just so hard not to push Simpson's buttons, not to take him down like he deserves. He shouldn't be allowed to treat Horatio like he does- he shouldn't treat anyone like that. He's too cocksure.

But Horatio is right.

The next question makes him frown, his tiredness fading away as he shifts gently, trying to look at Horatio without disturbing him.

"I think so." He says, and for a moment he's not sure why this is a concern. Then he realises that Horatio will have known some of the past Tributes from District 11.

And James knows that none of the Tributes from District 11 has gone home for a long, long time. Not since Pellew was a young man.

"I'm sorry."

[whisted]

Horatio can't imagine it isn't difficult, in its own way, for the Careers. Even recent victories from District 1 had been only one of a pair of friends coming home. Even growing up with the intent of possibly being sacrificed to the Games couldn't completely stop the hurt of losing other young men and women who had held a real space in one's life.

It's just that Archie had gotten so close. It's just that Horatio had foolishly started to hope.

His breath comes shaky. There's no help for that. Having James's arms tight around him does, at least, keep him from getting completely lost in his own thoughts.

"It's just... I-It was only last year."

[all_at_sea]

There is, unfortunately, a simple understanding in District 1. Whoever you go to the Games with you will have to kill, or be killed by. You might have been friendly before, but once the Games start, there is no friendship, even between children who grew up across the street from each other. They're trained and taught to accept this, to know that friendships are fleeting things.

James is sure that for everyone else in Panem this isn't the case.

He has to cast his mind back to last year's games. He had watched it- everyone had- and in District 1 they dissect it too, every move, every fight, every death. They tried to do it dispassionately, and it helped to try and be removed, to not see each body as a person, but a thing.

Now he knows better than that. He can remember what happened. He can remember the boy, not any different in age to Horatio.

He pulls Horatio suddenly closer, his hand moving from his shoulder to the back of his head, soothing as best his can a hunt that he has no means of healing.

[whisted]

Nothing fixes this hurt. Nothing fills this gap in his life. Nothing makes it any less terrible to lie awake in this bed at night and try to keep breathing steadily.

Nothing brought back Archie.

This doesn't fix anything either, but it pulls a shuddering breath properly from his throat. Pressing his face in against the hollow of James's neck at least takes away the way the room looms around them.

There aren't any tears left to cry. It's still better to bury his face in against a warm quiet shoulder. Surely he's allowed a few minutes to breathe.

[all_at_sea]

All James can do is hold Horatio. He should have realised, he should have thought, but the idea had never occurred to him. He'd never considered how well Horatio might have known the previous Tributes, how their loss would impact him. Or how having reminders of that loss constantly would hurt.

All he can do is try to Horatio through it. All he can do is hold him tight and turn his head down again, to press his lips into Horatio's hair.

There aren't any words, not at the moment, nothing that he can find to say to soothe all the hurt. But he'll find some, and he will keep Horatio from the same fate. He has promised that much already, but the way Horatio clings to him makes him all the more determined.

[whisted]

Breathing here is a little easier. Letting himself hurt here is a little safer. It's just that he can't stay here forever.

"...sorry."

Horatio doesn't shift back entirely; just enough to let himself see the door he's meant to be watching. His fingers stay just a little tight against the scruff of James's neck, not quite able to fully let go.

"I wasn't-- good at sleeping when I was younger, either. It's just... always been difficult."

Worse since Simpson. Worse since losing Archie. Worst since coming here.

[all_at_sea]

There's no reason for Horatio to apologise, none at all, and it's all that James can do to pull him gently closer in a slight squeeze, a hug within their current embrace. Horatio is still clinging to him, still holding on as if he's afraid to let go, as if letting go will cast him adrift.

"Do you want me to stay here?"

He knows it's probably pushing their luck. But it's already dark outside, late in the evening and why bother the guards to take him back again when he can stay here? He can't cause any real problems after all, not with Pellew and Matthews somewhere about.

"I will. I'd like to, if it helps."

It might. He's happy to hold Horatio like this, all night if he has to, If it helps Horatio sleep. He may not sleep longer or deeper, but if he gets some sleep, James will be grateful.

[whisted]

"We'll get in trouble."

They hadn't, thus far. There was little proof they would, with the rules already bent this much in their favour. The Gamemakers and escorts might even enjoy it--more scandal to throw on the apparent embers their dance together had begun to stir. There was nothing that seemed to obviously stand in their way of spending the night exactly where they were.

"You shouldn't."

It would be so much worse to say 'yes' and then have the guards come drag James away.

"But-- thank you, James."

[all_at_sea]

James would like to say they're already in trouble, but it won't help. He simply nods, not wanting to press Horatio any further. He might well not want James here overnight, he might want to spend some time by himself, gathering his thoughts. They've spent a lot of time together since they met, but James doesn't think Horatio is the sort of boy that likes a lot of company.

He probably spent a great deal of time with the boy killed last year.

James' fingers stroke gently again, trying to comfort the younger man.

"I'm sure Pellew could arrange something, if necessary." He muses, but it's not serious. He'll stay a little longer, until the guards come to collect him. Until then, he'll enjoy Horatio's company, the press of him so close.

[whisted]

That's easier to nod about. They have less than a week--and this is likely already spending what little patience they've been allotted by those above them. It's still a comfort to think forward--to imagine that they might steal even this much time away from prying eyes in the days to come.

"Maybe I could... come down to you."

This already helps, but it would be even better to breathe where he didn't have to worry about Simpson popping out and ruining things. This would be even better without the sensation of a ghost just beyond the smoothing of James's fingers.

[all_at_sea]

It will be a miracle if they have any free time at all to do anything, never mind curl together like this. James knows the schedule- there's group training and then individual assessments with various weapons, there's fittings for outfits and there's interviews and parties. Somewhere they have to find time to eat and rest.

But the very idea of Horatio coming to spend a little time with him, even just an hour, in District 1's apartments would be fantastic. Barbara might not like the idea, but if she'd allowed James to come here, she'd have to allow Horatio to come to them.

"I think that would... that would be very good. I'd like you to." He's trying not to sound so very eager, but it's almost impossible.