for all_at_sea : if I had a heart

[whisted]

Jack Simpson is enjoying this.

That, more than anything, is what has Horatio Hornblower feeling so painfully trapped. There had been a terrible sinking in his gut when his own name had been called during the reaping. There had been a heavy weight that lingered even after his mother's hand was dragged from his shoulder and his father's voice had vanished from his ears. For all that had ripped something from him, the odd inevitable hadn't been so terrible. A piece of him, even now, thinks he could manage to have properly accepted it.

But then, through the haze, had come the harrowing sound of Simpson's name. That had been far too much far too fast. That had been the worst sort of death warrant; the immediate shifting of hope toward dying at the hands of anyone but his District's other tribute.

None of the rest of it had helped, of course. Being dragged far from home was excruciating. Being poked and prodded and needled and explained to, by tense displeased voices, that he somehow didn't even stand and wear his clothes correctly was torturous. Even the odd comfort of being handed into the care of his mentor was undercut by the horrific fact of Simpson standing nearly constantly beside him, practically preening with a nauseating sort of pride.

In defense of the prep team, of course, Horatio apparently doesn't know how to stand properly. It doesn't matter that his fingers grip tight to the chariot, or that all he properly has to do in the Tribute Parade is actually stand still with the faintest bit of a smile. It's just a blessing, Pellew is certainly sighing to himself, that the Capitol seems to find a tribute managing to fall off the back of a chariot faintly endearing.

(Simpson will make his life hell for it later. Thankfully, Horatio doesn't anticipate having that much more life to have to suffer through.)

It will be better, he tells himself, when they can be separated in the Training Center. It will almost be enjoyable, perhaps, to have these few days of being able to make some small amount of space for himself before Jack Simpson thoroughly enjoys killing him.

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[all_at_sea]

James knows that this distraction might not work for very long. It might not work very well but it's all he can come up with right now. There's shock, after something like this. He wants to stave off that for as long as he can, for both of them.

After all he does want to learn how to make bread. With Horatio. In Horatio's parents kitchen. He wants that so much. And he doesn't want to think about what his father will have to say about Cutler's death, about how sloppy it was. About how Cutler deserved a better end than the one James gave him.

"Kneading sounds like something I could manage. I don't know how exact I could be with measuring."

[whisted]

"That's part of why... y-you don't do it alone."

There was something practical to having many hands for large-scale baking, of course. There was something simple and logical about divisions of labor and working with many hands at once.

It's just that it was also a chance to be together without anyone trying to drag the family apart.

[all_at_sea]

James pauses. He wants to say that if they get out of there, Horatio can help him with the measuring out. That there is no one else he'd like to make bread with, or try to make bread with anyway.

But it's still early days and they still have so much to do. They can't hope for rescue, because there is no guarantee it will come. If they can make it to the third day, then James will tell him.

Besides, if the camera are on them, then they can hear as well as see the boys. He can't jeopardise all the work Pellew and Barbara are doing.

"Shall we go find a camp site?"

[whisted]

Finding a place to hide will be a better distraction. It will also, with any luck, exhaust this last bit of adrenaline out of Horatio's system. They'll need to take shifts, of course, but it would be better to be worn down to the point of actually being able to take those few hours of sleep.

Horatio shifts away from the comfort of being pressed closed to James's side carefully. He takes a heartbeat to simply lean forward; to test the sensation of motion in his newly-bandaged chest. The ache shifts and pulses but doesn't get worse.

"...okay."

It would be easier to get up if he took his hand back, but that much separation feels impossible. Scrambling to his feet is a quiet but inelegant thing.

[all_at_sea]

It's not easy to get up without letting go of each other, but they manage it, James picking up the machete and letting his fingers curl around the tang. It might not be a sword, but if they have to make a camp, then it'll be more use than a sword could be.

He lets his fingers squeeze gently against Horatio's again, a gesture that's becoming familiar, but one that seems to help both of them settle, to focus. It's a link, a reminder that they are a team, a partnership.

And when it comes to finding somewhere safe to rest, Horatio is the expert. James has no experience at all in having to survive outdoors. They go slowly, making little noise, and if it weren't for the fact that every tree could hide someone waiting to kill them, the woods aren't that bad. James could almost enjoy them.

"What are we looking for?" James asks, trying to keep his voice as low as possible, trying to help as best he can.

[whisted]

"We..."

It's a stuttering thing. It takes a half-step to remember to duck and pick up the knife, to catch up the canteen. It takes another to get breathing again.

"...we want to avoid-- being at eye-line."

Which is one thing when it's a matter of stalking rabbits. Which is another thing when it's a matter of tracking a deer. Which is entirely new when it's a matter of being tracked by humans.

"Stay low or get high. Be good if we could find an outcropping or a tree."

[all_at_sea]

James nods. Somewhere out of the way, somewhere they aren't going to be easily seen.

He glances up, at the tall trees surrounding them. Some look impossibly high, without any lower branches to make the climb simple, without many thicker branches to settle in once the climb was over.

"We have a lot of trees to choose from." There might be an outcrop of rock, the cliff by the Cornucopia suggests it, but they have no way of knowing where that might be. He'd much prefer it to a tree, although he supposes on a practical level a tree will do, at least for the night.

There is only one problem with trees.

He sucks in a breath, his eyes moving away from the towering trunks and back to Horatio, who clearly has no problem with trees.

"I don't like heights."

[whisted]

Trees had been a reality since Horatio was a child. It hadn't mattered that, as a tiny scrap of a boy, they had been terrifying. It hadn't mattered that he'd stumbled and fallen once or twice; hated desperately the idea of having to go back up.

Life had required him to keep going. Before he knew it, Horatio had barely noticed the height.

But he remembers the sickening sensation clearly enough.

"...we could go low, then. Look for-- maybe more of a cave or-- a break in the rocks. That sort of thing."

[all_at_sea]

James appreciates the alternatives. He is glad that Horatio doesn't make anything of the fact, that he makes no comment about tall people being afraid of heights.

He does appreciate it. But he's not sure how good an alternative it is.

"We can do. But I'm not sure how many caves we'll find. That aren't occupied already. Or booby-trapped."

James doesn't trust the Gamemakers to make a shelter for them and leave it safe and habitable. Even if they have, another Tribute may already have found it. He doesn't want to have to fight someone again if he can avoid it.

Besides... he can manage a tree. A tree should be easy. Besides, part of him wants to impress Horatio. Mastering a fear would probably be a good way to start.

[whisted]

"Same problem with the trees."

Trees, after all, often came with their own natural sort of booby-trapping. The thought prompts Horatio to crouch a little lower as they walk, hand tugging once at James's.

There would almost certainly be tracker jackers in the woods. The Tributes from District 7 would most likely know how to avoid them. The Tributes from District 11 always seemed--after at least twelve years of experience--to have the best handle on coping with them.

Which meant just Horatio.

Or, more properly, which meant just Horatio and, by proxy, James.

[all_at_sea]

"Point taken." James breathes as Horatio ducks down after a pointed look at the trees. He doesn't need to name a specific threat, there are enough things in the wild that can hurt them. Tracker jackers, carnivorous birds, poisonous plants, strangle-vines. James doesn't want to meet any of them. Then again, there are worse things than another Tribute that could be in a cave.

But it will be dark soon. Dark and they need to have found somewhere to rest before then. Horatio needs to be able to sit and rest and James needs time to think.

They go on for a while longer, with only the distant sound of screams to interrupt them. James stops them until the canon fire sounds, and the noises end.

It makes James even more desperate to fund somewhere safe for them. There is a steep bank in the slope, rock with trees and shrubs clinging to the crags.

There's a fissure in the rocks, narrow and half hidden by undergrowth. James isn't sure how he spots it, but he does, and gently tugs Horatio's hand.

"Worth checking?"

[whisted]

Moving quietly is always exhausting. It's just that it's particularly exhausting when the woods might erupt at any moment with the cruelty of human violence.

They pass half a dozen trees that would almost serve. All of them have to be rejected; branches slightly too high, cover slightly too thin, chances that James will fall too great.

Thank goodness James spots a lower option. Horatio feels his breath come back into his lungs--breath he had, apparently, been holding since the cannon fire above their heads.

"Throw something in first?"

[all_at_sea]

That seems sensible. He lets go of Horatio's hand, crouching down to find a couple of small rocks in the leaf-litter. The hand on the machete tightens, creeping closer to the cave and leaving Horatio further away. The gap is narrow, but they can squeeze through- and anyone already in there won't be able to come out at a rush.

Unless they're something small. Small and nasty.

But maybe their luck will hold out.

He tests the weight of one of the stones, and then, after a brief glance back to Horatio, he throws it in. There's not angry shout, no mammalian shriek or hiss of reptile, and so he tries another stone, at a slightly different angle. The only noise is a thud as the stone hits the ground within.

He moves a little closer and uses the machete to poke inside, and then ducks in. It's dark and dim but dry and once he's squeezed through the narrow gap in the rock, there is room enough for the two of them.

He pulls himself out again, and gestures Horatio over.

"Home sweet home. With some curtains, it will be lovely."

[whisted]

The approach is cautious and calculating. It keeps Horatio breathing slow and easy as he watches, practically motionless apart from his chest rising and falling.

It's possible he stops breathing when James disappears into the crevice. It's possible his shoulders slump visibly with relief when James appears again.

He's not certain when his fingers caught tight hold of the knife, but the loosen as he moves to follow James into the dark little space.

[all_at_sea]

It's not the most comfortable place you could spend a night, but it's better than up in a tree. It should be easy enough to pull some undergrowth towards the entrance too, just to provide a little extra cover.

Horatio squeezes in first, and then James follows, settling close to the little opening. It'll be dark sooner rather than later, he supposes, and Horatio already looks pale and exhausted.

"Have something to drink," He says gently, pressing the water canteen into the other Tribute's hand. "And a rest. I'll take the first watch."

[whisted]

Taking a drink of water is nicely automatic. Horatio doesn't have to think to follow the direction. His hand is steady enough as he lifts the canteen to his lips and forces himself to take a few gulps.

There's the faintest tremble in his fingers as he lets his hand drop again, offering the water back toward the other young man.

"You're sure?"

Rest is infinitely tempting. Even this cramped, stony space feels as comfortable as any bed. Even this semi-brightness feels like he could sink into it and sleep for ages.

[all_at_sea]

James takes the bottle, taking a swallow himself, but not much. He doesn't know when they'll be able to fill it up again, and they've already used too much cleaning up those wounds. Best save the rest for Horatio.

"I'm sure." He says gently, reaching out and stroking some leaves out of Horatio's hair, and then pulling away, trying to give Horatio more room to make himself comfortable. He deserves what sleep he can get, although James doubts it will be peaceful.

"I'll wake you when it's your watch. Don't worry."

[whisted]

Something relaxes in Horatio's gut, and suddenly it's all too much.

The careful fingers smoothing at his hair are so far removed from the reality of the fact Jack Simpson's blood is still under his nails. The careful distance James leaves between them, respectful and thoughtful, doesn't belong with the horror of the injuries they both now bear--the screams that had filled the air in the bloodbath so few hours ago.

Relaxing just a hair sends it all flooding forward.

Horatio had years of learning to be safe and quiet in the woods. He also had years of learning how to cry quietly. His arm is around his lips before the first sob breaks over his lips. His entire body shakes as the exhausted tears spring to his eyes.

[all_at_sea]

Quietly, yes, but not silently. And not invisibly.

In fact, the first tiny, muffled sob makes something tighten in James' chest, and he turns away from the cave mouth to Horatio, his heart breaking as he sees the trails of tears begin to run down Horatio's cheeks.

There's no way he can ignore that, no way he can pretend it's not going on. He shuffles back, wrapping his arms around Horatio and pulling him close, fingers stroking into Horatio's hair.

He doesn't know what to say, but he can at least offer murmurs of reassurance, let Horatio cry into his shoulder.

[whisted]

There aren't proper words to be said. There aren't concrete thoughts to fix the terrible ache that's settled over Horatio's entire being.

It's still a little easier to breathe through his tears as he slumps briefly into Horatio's arms.

Stifling his sobs against James's shoulder is a better form of muffling. Crying here will be a quicker route to resetting. It still shakes with a terrible roughness through Horatio's body, breath sharp and gasping as he tries to keep going through the torrent of tears.

The world has dropped out from under him. Clinging here is all he can manage.

[all_at_sea]

There don't have to be words. That's okay. James just wants Horatio to know he isn't alone, that someone will help him, will be with him. They're in this together. There's nothing wrong with crying. Frankly, James thought he was going to earlier, and he probably will do later.

But right now, this is about Horatio and making Horatio feel better.

His fingers still stroke through Horatio's dark hair, lips murmuring soothingly. If holding Horatio close helps, then he will do it. If it seems the only thing he can do for the moment, he will do it. He's just grateful there's no way a camera can get in here, that this is just them.

[whisted]

Once they're falling, it's amazing how many tears there are. A piece of Horatio knows that it isn't enough--can't be enough--even for just the last few hours. There won't be enough tears in the rest of his life for this past week, no matter how long he lives.

There also hadn't been enough tears for the years before this. There hadn't been enough grieving for Archie. There hadn't been enough grieving for himself in constant terror of Simpson.

It all bubbles over now, hot tears soaking into James's shoulder. It takes what feels like ages to subside, his fingers still stuck stubbornly in James's shirt as he clings to a sense of solidity.

His breath is still trembling, on the edge of another wave of tears, when he start trying to pull himself back. "S-- Sorry--"

[all_at_sea]

"For what?" James asks, letting his grip ease, although he doesn't let go, his hand moving to Horatio's arm, gently brushing up and down the bare skin where his sleeve used to be. His skin feels cold, and James has to resist the urge to pull Horatio back against him.

"Don't be sorry for crying, okay? I think we'll both do plenty of it over the next few days."

He's certain of that. He's certain they'll need to. There's no helping that fact, and he's sure it's healthy to acknowledge that they'll do it, rather than pretend they're too tough for it, too proud to have emotions.

[whisted]

The reassurance is so instant. The message is so comforting. The moment relaxes something further in his heart, another low sob bubbling up over his lips as his head ducks to the older boy's shoulder again.

"W-We--"

He wants to just listen. He wants to just breathe through the tears and cling tight to James. He wants to exhaust himself out of reality for at least a little while.

"--w-we should be-- k-keeping watch."

[all_at_sea]

Horatio shouldn't be worrying so much. James is on watch, it's James' responsibility.

"I can see outside." He assures, not letting go of Horatio. He's been listening too, to try and hear if any one is approaching. But they're alone, for the time being, and that means Horatio can try to relax. It might not be possible, but they'll need to sleep at some point.

"Don't worry. I said I'd keep watch." And he will. But he's going to keep a hold of Horatio for as long as Horatio wants, all night if needs be.