for all_at_sea : if I had a heart

[whisted]

Jack Simpson is enjoying this.

That, more than anything, is what has Horatio Hornblower feeling so painfully trapped. There had been a terrible sinking in his gut when his own name had been called during the reaping. There had been a heavy weight that lingered even after his mother's hand was dragged from his shoulder and his father's voice had vanished from his ears. For all that had ripped something from him, the odd inevitable hadn't been so terrible. A piece of him, even now, thinks he could manage to have properly accepted it.

But then, through the haze, had come the harrowing sound of Simpson's name. That had been far too much far too fast. That had been the worst sort of death warrant; the immediate shifting of hope toward dying at the hands of anyone but his District's other tribute.

None of the rest of it had helped, of course. Being dragged far from home was excruciating. Being poked and prodded and needled and explained to, by tense displeased voices, that he somehow didn't even stand and wear his clothes correctly was torturous. Even the odd comfort of being handed into the care of his mentor was undercut by the horrific fact of Simpson standing nearly constantly beside him, practically preening with a nauseating sort of pride.

In defense of the prep team, of course, Horatio apparently doesn't know how to stand properly. It doesn't matter that his fingers grip tight to the chariot, or that all he properly has to do in the Tribute Parade is actually stand still with the faintest bit of a smile. It's just a blessing, Pellew is certainly sighing to himself, that the Capitol seems to find a tribute managing to fall off the back of a chariot faintly endearing.

(Simpson will make his life hell for it later. Thankfully, Horatio doesn't anticipate having that much more life to have to suffer through.)

It will be better, he tells himself, when they can be separated in the Training Center. It will almost be enjoyable, perhaps, to have these few days of being able to make some small amount of space for himself before Jack Simpson thoroughly enjoys killing him.

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[all_at_sea]

"Then we kill him." James says. There's nothing more to it than that, nothing else to say on the matter. Given the opportunity, James will kill that bastard and feel no guilt about it, of that he's sure. If he's hiding and waiting for James... that might make killing him harder, but James will do what he can.

"Does he know how to hide well?" James asks, but it's still in that unconcerned, gentle manner of speech. If Simpson is good at hiding, James will just have to be as careful as he can be. He can't run through the arena brazen and unaware anyway. It's not just Simpson and the other Tributes they'll have to contend with, and James doesn't intend to be poisoned or bitten to death.

"I'm quite sure we can deal with him. Don't worry." He smiles, fingers gently squeezing at Horatio's shoulder. There's nothing they can do about it until they get there, after all.

[whisted]

It almost sounds possible, the way James says it. It almost sounds like this might work--like it might be as simple as Simpson being taken from their lives.

That's faintly terrifying, in part because it's also faintly thrilling.

"He's... He's not bad at it."

Horatio's lips press together briefly, a knot in his stomach needing to be breathed through before he can continue. His attention is still locked more or less on the door across from the couch; on the possibility of interruption.

"He doesn't usually take things seriously. It's... It'll be different, in there. He just isn't particularly inclined toward hiding. You-- saw him."

[all_at_sea]

He can't help but laugh. He shushes himself as quickly as he can, he certainly doesn't want anyone coming in to find out what's going on. Even with the laugh stifled, he can't help but smile widely at Horatio.

"No, I can't imagine him being quiet."

Quiet isn't Simpson's style. He's a bull in a china shop. Wave a red flag, or Horatio, in front of his face and he'll not be able to hold himself back. They can use that to their advantage, James is certain.

"He'll certainly not be thinking clearly." James says gently. "He'll make mistakes. If you can double-back on yourself, head back the way you've come, do something he won't expect, I imagine you'll keep him off your back."

[whisted]

This is easier and easier to trust. This is feeling more and more like reality, possibility; something to genuinely believe might happen.

Horatio's fingers curl comfortably into the fabric of James's shirt. This is another moment, he's fairly certain, that will make the arena tolerable.

Even if they get separated, even if they can't make things work, it's better to have something wonderful to cling to like a small ember of hope.

"And you'll... you'll find me."

[all_at_sea]

James can't help himself, relaxing a little more, body sliding down the couch until he's comfortably slumped, low enough now to gently rest his head against Horatio's. It's nice, to just exist like this, warm and cuddled together. He's not exactly in a hurry to move.

He takes a slow, gentle, happy breath, still smiling.

"I'll find you. I promise."

He will. He'll find Horatio, safe and sound. Probably up a try, but as long as Horatio is in once piece, that's the important thing.

[whisted]

"I'll just-- run."

With Simpson at his heels. With James fighting for his life against Beckett. With the rest of the bloodbath to slip and slide and drag himself through as safely as he could manage.

"And you'll find me."

If he says it often enough to himself, it might start to feel true. If he breathes in the genuine comfort of sitting here, with James solid and real beside him, it might start to be genuine.

"We can... figure it out from there."

[all_at_sea]

James nods, his cheek brushing into Horatio's hair, tickling and caressing his skin. His fingers stroke over Horatio's shoulder, his other hand is still resting, reassuring and gentle, against Horatio's leg.

"One thing at a time," James agrees gently. "We do what we have to, till we can find each other, and then together we'll... we'll work on it." He says. Maybe they can just let everyone else kill each other off, and stay safe and away from it as best they can.

"Don't worry about it now. You've still got a lot to teach me about snares."

[whisted]

He's being held. He's being really, properly held. Horatio can't remember the last time he had been so completely held onto, snug and utterly secure.

The knowledge puts something entirely contented in his sigh as he nestles against James's nodding head and comfortable shoulder.

"You're not-- so bad, hm? Be good at it before the end of the week, I bet."

Amazingly, he's not properly worried about the end of the week. It's somewhere in the distance, not terrifying and almost not real.

[all_at_sea]

"Hopefully tomorrow's lesson will be how not to tie your fingers together," James says, although he's not that bad. Still, he is nowhere near Horatio's expertise, but maybe, if somehow they...

He doesn't finish that thought, and instead goes back to gently stroking his fingers over Horatio's shoulder. It's nice just to sit and not speak, actually, just enjoy how close Horatio is sat to him, the measured, gentle breathing.

It is, actually, the most relaxed moment not just in the last week, but in the last few months. The run-up to the Games always means a flurry of activity in District 1, and this is really the first time he's to himself. It's wonderful to share that moment with someone else.

"I'm surprised Lady Barbara didn't think our dance would be talked about." He says after several long moments, his voice low and sleepy, warm. He can't help voicing the idle thought either, it's been plaguing him all evening.

[whisted]

"You--"

Horatio doesn't want to ruin the moment. He genuinely doesn't want to break the soft space they've made for themselves, at least for the space of these few heartbeats. The words come bubbling over his lips all the same, honest and completely trusting.

"--volunteered."

It feels intrusive, once he's said it. His head ducks, an unconscious sort of nuzzling apology. He lets his fingers twist slightly in the other young man's shirt, as if terrified that the audacity to bring up something personal would send the other Tribute bolting.

"I'd have thought... that was more interesting."

[all_at_sea]

There's no need for any sort of apology. No need for any regret at all, because although perhaps at the time it was not exactly planned, his sudden brave gesture had led him to Horatio.

Still, he can't complain about the gentle way Horatio nuzzles into him.

"It was just... an impulse." James said, as if the fact he'd volunteered was of very little importance.

"Personally I find dancing with you far more interesting. And far more enjoyable."

He grins, although he knows Horatio can't see it. Dancing with Horatio, spending time with Horatio, it was well worth having volunteered.

[whisted]

The words have the sensation of a smile to them. It relaxes something unconsciously tensed in Horatio's spine, his entire body shifting and settling slightly into place.

"Really?"

It isn't a genuine question. Even now, it's easy to trust that James is telling him the truth. The word drops out thoughtfully anyway.

"You barely know me."

[all_at_sea]

"But I trust you with my life."

It's quiet, like a confession. Not whispered, exactly, but something meant only for Horatio. No one else needs to hear it, no one else needs to know how James feels. It's exposing the chink in his armour. He already cares for Horatio too deeply. Barbara knows it, Cutler and Simpson know it. He's sure it's obvious to everyone, actually, but this is saying it.

Saying it to Horatio, moreover.

"You don't know me either. But I hope you trust me, at least to do my best for you."

[whisted]

It feels, oddly, like he's been handed something small and fragile. Horatio can practically feel the weight of the soft words settling into his heart; heavy at first before his entire body starts to feel oddly light and wonderful.

He wants to look the other young man in the face. It's too terrifying to think about making a similarly brave confession with James's bright eyes boring into his own.

"I trust you with my life."

It's easier to be brave tucked here, safe and snug under the taller boy's chin.

[all_at_sea]

There's a moment of stillness after those words. Still perfection, like a calm before a storm. James' heart is pounding in his chest, leaping and bounding and trying to escape the cage of his ribs and yet, he still feels so ground with Horatio curled into him.

Horatio is his to protect, he knows. He must look after him and keep him safe, just as Horatio will protect his heart, the gentle admission some precious treasure.

He barely knows what he's doing, but he can't stop himself, he head tilting down, his lips pressing an intangible kiss into Horatio's soft dark hair.

[whisted]

For a moment, Horatio almost feels certain he can hear the patter of James's heart over his own. For a moment, it feels as if everything in the universe is reduced to this quiet space between them and the easy syncing of their hearts.

His eyes drift shut just for the length of a heartbeat. He has to keep watching the door across from them. It's still wonderful, for the briefest moment of time, to breathe.

"Tell me something I d-don't know?"

[all_at_sea]

He could have just stayed like that forever, with his lips pressed into Horatio's hair, his breath slow and easy, completely at peace. As far as this moment is concerned, nothing terrible could ever happen. There is nothing beyond, only them and this bubble of warmth and comfort.

"About me?" He asks, lifting his head just slightly. He thinks for a moment, wondering what on earth he might tell Horatio. Something he doesn't know. Well, there's a lot. But somehow it seems that Horatio should know something that almost no one else does.

"I... I like reading poetry. When I have the opportunity."

He tries very hard not to clear his throat or be embarrassed. It's very difficult.

"What about you? Tell me something I don't know about you."

[whisted]

That inspires Horatio to move back slightly, just enough to look up properly. It's important to look up at James's face now; to study the lines of the taller Tribute's features as he settles into this new piece of knowledge.

James's arms are incredibly strong and feel safe to settle in. James's voice is soft and certain. And James is a man who likes to steal moments reading poetry.

Horatio's sigh is soft and comfortable as he settles in to studying James's face, half his attention still on Simpson's door. "When I was... younger, I used to-- stay up late to help my mother bake bread."

[all_at_sea]

James knows he might look stupid, soppy and soft as he smiles at Horatio. He shouldn't be so utterly charmed, so happy while doing nothing at all. He should be training or thinking strategy, but actually, there's nothing he'd rather be doing than this.

"Do you still bake?" He asks. He doesn't want to ask about Horatio's mother, he doesn't want to churn up bad memories or unhappy thoughts. They'll have enough of those.

"Is it difficult? Baking?"

He knows that they won't have the chance, there's no kitchen or bake house in the Tribute's apartments, but learning what goes into making bread with Horatio sounds wonderful.

[whisted]

"It's not difficult."

It had been a good way for his father to murmur tidbits of science in his ear. It had been a good way for his mother to excuse the impulse to smooth protectively at his hair while they worked side by side.

"But I-- don't, anymore." It isn't a sad thing. It's a part of reality. His fingers pluck thoughtfully at the fabric of James's shirt. "There's more work, the older you get."

At least, there was in District 11. His head cocks slightly in consideration.

"What did you... do all day? Before this?"

[all_at_sea]

"I suppose that is true in every District," James says. Of course, life isn't as idyllic in District 1, he doesn't have a mother to do late-night baking with. His father doesn't kindly and gently give him advice. But the training gets harder, the expectations grow bigger and heavier.

He doesn't like the question much- no, that's not right. He doesn't like the answer. Horatio works hard, he finds food for his family, something that would have him beaten by the Peacekeepers if they caught him.

And that makes what he's about to say so much harder. He could lie, of course, or misrepresent the truth. But he doesn't lie, and he won't start.

"I was due to join the Peacekeepers in the spring. My father wanted me to continue my training ready for the trials." And join as an officer, as was fitting for the son of a retired, respected Peacekeeper.

[whisted]

It's honest. That makes it easier to breathe through.

Horatio still needs a moment. He still needs to breathe quietly through considering the young man holding him so gently, protecting him so fully; devoting himself so easily.

This is still James. This is still the boy who threw Simpson off him. This is still the boy who shifted carefully while they danced to be certain he wasn't asking too much. This is still James, who caught him from the crowd and curled him into the safety of an embrace after his interview.

"Were you... looking forward to it?"

[all_at_sea]

He is expecting Horatio to pull away. He wouldn't blame him for that either. He had grown up in the shadow of the Peacekeepers and the men and women all in white still made him nervous.

"I..." James begins but then stops. He never actually wanted to be a Peacekeeper but there was hardly any other options.

"No. My father was a Peacekeeper. It... seemed inevitable."

But he wasn't looking forwards to it. And now? Now one way or another, he doesn't have to worry about it. "The Games were something of a blessing, I suppose."

[whisted]

If he ignores the safety radiating through the moment, it isn't impossible to see. James is tall, strong; could be terribly imposing if he drew himself up properly.

If Horatio closes his eyes, he can call up the image of James slamming Simpson into the wall. If he forces himself, he can twist it faintly; imagine instead the paneled white uniform.

It puts a shudder in his breath as he forces his eyes open again. This is James. This is a man he trusts, who's holding him like a precious object, who's setting his life in the grasp of their alliance.

This is someone who's glad he might die rather than beat children for looking after their family.

"They aren't."

That bears saying all the same.

[all_at_sea]

James nods. Horatio is right, the Games are not a good thing. They aren't pleased and it isn't right but he would prefer to be dead than forced to kill people like Horatio.

"I know." He agrees, fingers tightening slightly.

"Would we need Peacekeepers if we didn't have Games, do you think?"

He probably shouldn't say it. There may be bugs and listening devices. There must be Peacekeepers listening in and patrolling. It's hard to imagine that in a few years he might have been one of these men, he might be stationed in a District and holding back some distraught parent watching their child be taken. He might beat a child for expressing the same opinion he has just expressed.

"Ignore me. It was an idle thought."